This post is about Fashion, Photography and Mental Health. If any or all of these topics make you a little squeamish I suggest you LOOK AWAY NOW.
Still here? Good.
I was hoping that the old adage 'third time lucky' would prove itself to be true when I found myself making plans for a Reddskin photoshoot last month. It had been a long time coming. I had saved up my hard-earned pennies. I had gathered my favourite, talented and (most important) fun loving models, Layia Johnson and Jordon Bolessa. I had nabbed the wonderfully warm MUA I had been busting a gut to work with since Forest Hill Fashion Week in 2014, Muna Hassan. And, finally, I was thrilled that my favourite photographer - for her work and her open spirit - Sara Atteby, was available and actually excited to work with me. Everything was in place. All we needed was some amenable weather. Cue praying to Gods and putting a LOT of positivity into The Universe.
Please note: No animals were sacrificed during the planning of this event.
Why 'third time'? Weeellll…hmmm…ummm. Honestly?
Attempt 1: March 2015.
Thwarted by being off sick from my actual (ex) job. The threat of Gross Misconduct did not appeal to me ('working' whilst off ill). Plus I had lost the will to sew therefore I didn't have any new stock to photograph.
Whilst we're on the subject. There aren't powerful enough words to accurately describe what it feels like to lose the will to do something you have always loved. Something that has always given you life. Uplifted you. Completed you. But Depression (yep. Big 'D'. That's what we're talking about here) does that. For me it was like watching the world continue without me through a pair of vaseline-smeared sunglasses…under water. Something like that. Frankly, it was shit.
Attempt 2: June 2015.
In theory this would have a been a better time to steam ahead. I was feeling a LOT better**. We had fairly predictable fine-ish (this IS Britain after all) weather and my willing, talented team were almost assembled. I was conveniently overlooking the fact that I had recently left behind a 28 year teaching career and suffered a bereavement in the family. I was trying to execute a Will, had organised a funeral (My first one. Not recommended) and was trying to 'manage' my grief. (Seriously? Who does that? Lesson learned), amongst other things that I won't go into here (who said 'Phew'?). Plus I *still* hadn't produced many more creations. But, I was worrying frantically, I had postponed the first planned photoshoot and I couldn't let anyone down (I know, I KNOW!).
It would HAVE to go ahead, wouldn't it?
Well actually it wouldn't. The Universe was clearly listening HARD. One of my lovely models had a car accident (!) on the morning of the shoot and ended up in hospital, unhurt mostly, but in shock. She called to say she was late but on her way (Dedicated? Yes. Bonkers? Definitely!) and I told her to go home and rest. My understanding co-collaborators were gracious and everything went 'on hold'.
Third and final attempt. September 2015.
I was ready. WE were ready. All systems go! Transport For London tried to hold us back with their all too usual weekend engineering works but we were having NONE OF IT! The skies held up and the sun even made an appearance. George, the wonderful owner of a local cafe Kente, fed and watered us when we had finished. The team were on top form, we got some great shots and, most importantly, we had FUN!
The results are dotted throughout this website. I hope you like them as much as we do!
I considered filing this post under TMI (too much information) but I figured 'Why not?'. I am acutely aware of the awkward shuffles and embarrassing silences that STILL surround the topic of Mental health. I've been on the receiving end and, to be honest, it just makes you feel worse.
I am a human being who happens to be a Fashion designer. I, like all of us, am a Work in Progress. Many things have occurred throughout these 12 months. They've brought me to now... as I write these words. Some factors I felt able to control and some simply happened. I am eternally thankful to some amazing friends and family who supported and continue to check in with me. Yes I feel (much) better. I am also fully aware that whatever this is isn't over (is it ever?). How I approach my own mental health, and that of others, is VERY different now. I am kinder to myself and I am open to change.
So to anyone reading this who is having a tough time and feels that life is being an absolute bugger (understatement Klaxon), you're going to have to trust me on this one, things can and do improve. You never stay still. All those old cliches and adages, especially the one that goes 'This too shall pass' (the jury's out on who said this first) Well its true. Living proof right here y'all!
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for staying.
Feel free to comment on any or all of the above. Don't be shy...I would love to hear your views.